Reading in Desperation - "Beginners" - 不為甚麼而學

Driving test is coming up in a week and I don't feel that I am learning the level of nitty-gritty that I need to be confident about a skill. While my instructor shows concern about my inconsistency and lack of confidence for the test, I almost bursted "It doesn't matter to me." I kept it to myself out of respect for his profession. It's hard to explain my mindset in simple words to middle-aged man who teaches people to drive + pass driving test for a living for the past 20 years in an exam-oriented and performance-driven culture. "I am just here to learn (at my pace) and passing is not important to me." I probably appear stubborn and idealistic to many grown up in this culture but I am going at my own pace. Getting the nitty-gritty right and have my many questions answered is so important for me to make sense of a new skill. Being a very conscientious learner, I know how I make sense of things. In this process, I get to know my own learning better as well.

Over the past 4 to 5 months of struggling to learn this new skill, I find that my greatest opponent is no longer the skill itself. I can always take more time to learn it and learn it at another time at another place later. What I have problem with is a culture and environment that's not conducive for learning. It's a high performance system that does not encourage learning things you are not good at (but why learn if you are good already???) and challenging yourself for no apparent reason.

I don't know how I grow up to wire so differenlty from the narrative of this place that I grew up in. To combat what's very different from my own belief and view of learning, I need cheers and encouragement that'd carry me through my quest of trying something out of my comfort zone even if I am not meeting a particular goal. A few posts ago I mentioned coming across a book called 學以自用, a title that caught my attention right away at the bookstore. It turns out to be a timely antidote to my stress from battling the culture. It's giving me the assurance that this is a good idea, learning something I am not good at.

I learn... just to learn. Just be a "dellitante", a "dabbler" . 不為甚麼而學。學不一定要有所成。I treasure growth, expanding myself, to become more and better than who I was yesterday, last week, last month. I don't have to meet a certain goal by a certain time. Most importantly, I learn more about myself as I learn something new, something unfamiliar, something that will take a long time for me to become good at.

My wish is that I will exercise my freedom to learn in the way, at the pace I enjoy and finish what I commit to while not discouraged by the other narrative. I am so encouraged by the adventurous mind of the author who has no fear of shame and failure as he begins his beginnger journey with his daughter.

I learned to rollerblade a year ago.

Still a novice but I gained freedom on the wheels for the first time in my life.

I am learning to ride a bike. On the second trial, I went home with lots of bruises.

Perhaps scooter will be the one to follow. Not to mention that I am learning to drive a car.

I feel empowered by the experience and new ability to do something I couldn't before as an adult.

It's the years of WHEELS.